Here's What's New in Theaters!

October 21, 2011 Comments

These things!

Paranormal Activity 3
Director: Henry Joost, Ariel Schulman
Starring: Chloe Csengery, Jessica Tyler Brown, Christopher Nicholas Smith, Ghosts!
Good if you want to see: a special retro edition of Paranormal Activity, in which the crew lets lose the Paranormal Prank House's WILDEST pranks yet on an unsuspecting family from 1988--and our hidden cameras were there to capture it all!

The Three Musketeers
Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Logan Lergman, Matthew Macfadyen, Ray Stevenson, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich
Good if you want to see: explosions, airships, clanging, slow-motion, and Milla Jovovich sliding through corridors on her knees, because this is a Paul W.S. Anderson film, after all.

Johnny English Reborn
Director: Oliver Parker
Starring: Rowan Atkinson, Gillian Anderson, Rosamund Pike, Dominic West
Good if you want to see: another Johnny English movie--one with less Natalie Imbruglia, and even more genital injury gags. (Parts of Europe apparently do want to see such a thing.)

And in limited release...

Martha Marcy May Marlene (limited)
Director: Sean Durkin
Starring: Elizabeth Olsen, John Hawkes, Sarah Paulson
Good if you want to see: the newest model Olsen sister in an acclaimed performance that shows just how hard it can be to break free from a cult. Sure, tell me that now, Elizabeth Olsen.

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey (limited)
Director: Constance Marks, Philip Shane
Starring: Kevin Clash
Good if you want to see: the man whose falsetto voice and fur-covered hand-motions are what we have all come to know and love as Elmo. It turns out this mustached guy is who you've been accommodating with tickles all these years.

Margin Call (limited)
Director: J.C. Chandor
Starring: Zachary Quinto, Kevin Spacey, Stanley Tucci, Paul Bettany, Demi Moore, The Mentalist
Good if you want to see: an impressive cast stare in disbelief at computer screens, shout on phones, and mutter things about "figures," thereby explaining the financial crisis.

Revenge of the Electric Car (limited)
Director: Chris Paine
Starring: Electric Cars, Tim Robbins
Good if you want to see: a sequel to Who Killed the Electric Car? that shows a resurgence in electric cars, giving hope to environmentalists and sending the oil industry a clear message that they've clearly gotten lax on kidnapping and threatening electric car innovators.

Le Havre (limited)
Director: Aki Kaurism�ki
Starring: a political fairy tale about a port-side French shoeshiner harboring an illegal African refugee.
Good if you want to see:

Norman (limited)
Director: Jonathan Segal
Starring: Dan Byrd, Emily VanCamp, Richard Jenkins
Good if you want to see: the kid from Easy A pretending to have terminal cancer, when really it's his father dying of cancer--Easy A himself has only tried to commit suicide in the wake of his mother's death, so clearly he deserves none of that sympathy.

Klitschko
Director:Sebastian Dehnhardt
Starring: Vitali Klitschko, Wladimir Klitschko
Good if you want to see: a documentary about boxing, Ukranian brothers. Or, if you prefer, there's also a movie about fucking ROBOTS boxing each other. Your choice.

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